Equal Partners In Marriage
“Friends, companions, and lovers … are closest to us who best understand what life
means to us, who feel for us as we feel for ourselves, who are bound to us in
triumph and disaster, who break the spell of our loneliness.” -Henry Alonzo Myers
Marriage is a sacred bond between man and woman, but it must be an equal
partnership. Husband and wife must share in the responsibilities of the home and
family, although each family is different and has extenuating circumstances. A
marriage partnership should achieve equality by supporting the other. This way both
may be able to have the time to work on existing or new talents.
When I married my husband, I thought life was grand and I was going to make this
marriage the best marriage on earth. I wanted to make him happy and please him.
As time went on, and after having my second child, I noticed I didn’t have time for
myself. My responsibilities existed of cleaning the house, doing the dishes and
laundry, sewing clothes, making meals, mowing the lawn, weeding, planting
flowers, paying the bills, buying groceries, and taking care of my children’s needs.
Whew! Just thinking about those responsibilities can make one tired.
After having children, I found little time to practice my talents or even develop any
new ones. When ten o’clock p.m. came around, I was exhausted and was ready for
bed. I didn’t have time to watch television or to soak in the tub and relax. So this
was my daily routine. I noticed that I was losing most of the talents I had worked so
hard for. When my husband came home from work, he had plenty of energy. He
always found time to go fishing, practice his target shooting, and go to a Mountain
Man Rendezvous dressed in his rugged regalia, with his tomahawk hanging from his
weapons belt and holding his black-powder rifle in hand.
After a few years of marriage, we sat down and talked about our marriage
responsibilities. My husband realized that we needed to make a change in our lives
so I could work on my talents. He encouraged me to take singing lessons again and
get back what I had lost. He told me that he would help by cooking in the evening
when he got home from work, and if I was swamped he would even wash clothes.
Soon, I found other talents I didn’t know I had. I was able to do some creative
writing, do research on ancestors, and even have energy left over in the evening to
do something fun with my husband. I found time to prepare a recital each year and
even found time to go back to college and get my degree, which I had longed to do
for so many years. I was able to feel that I was an individual with talents of my own.
Dennis Lythgoe, the author of A Marriage of Equals, said that a marriage should be
50/50 and partners should share the responsibilities of cooking, laundry, cleaning,
and parental responsibilities. Dennis calls this an “equal partnership.” He said,
“Sharing the load has made me a more productive person domestically. It has eased
Marti’s fatigue considerably and given us a lot more time for each other. It has
taught our children that men and women should spend equal time acting as
parents.” (Women and the Power Within, “Equal Partners,” p. 98.)
When Dennis counseled married couples, he said, “Sharing in marriage is an
inherently controversial topic among men. I often brought up the possibility of
sharing to the men … I never suggested my own 50/50 arrangement but only a
fraction of the load to ease the wife’s burden. In most cases, these men were not
anxious to hear such suggestions. In fact, they were worried that a comfortable
status quo was being invaded. When I wrote articles about sharing, I received some
angry responses from meneven from colleagues who did not appreciate my
introducing this concept to their wives. So I realize that women do not find it easy to
convince men that this is a good ideabut in my opinion it is eminently worth
doing.” (Equal Partners, p.99)
A lot of the problem is lack of communication. Most women just figure their
husbands will notice how hard they are working and will want to pitch in and help.
They expect their husbands to notice they have had a big day and are exhausted.
But it’s not so. Husbands don’t realize all the work their wives have accomplished,
but will notice the toys strewn about the floor or the dishes haven’t been done.
Women should ask for help and shouldn’t expect men to just volunteer. Most
husbands, because of their love for their wives, will want to help if you just
communicate.
Dennis said, “Chores should be divided on the basis of who does what best. … A
great way to encourage husbands to do more around the house is to list and divide
chores according to interests and abilities.” (Equal Partners, p. 104)
We shouldn’t criticize how our husband helps, but allow him to do it his own way.
We must give our husbands free reign in whatever they do. When my husband
cooks, the kitchen looks like a disaster, but I don’t have to cook. He figures that the
“dish washer” will take care of the mess. When he does the laundry, he’ll bring it
upstairs and we have to get our own clothes and put them away, but the fact is I
don’t have to do the laundry.
When a husband and wife communicate and work together by sharing the
household responsibilities, this helps the wife to grow in other areas and to have
time for herself. This gives her enough energy, physically and emotionally, to
develop her talents. A woman needs to feel content in her marriage. Just remember
that no two marriages are the same and can’t be compared. We should have mutual
respect for one another and care about the other’s needs.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning said it best when she wrote:
Grow old along with me;
The best is yet to be.
The last of life
For which the first was made.
Copyright 2006
Linda Weaver Clarke received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Theatre and Music at
Southern Utah University and received the Outstanding Non-Traditional Student
Award for the College of Performing Arts in 2002. She is the mother of six
daughters and the author of Melinda and the Wild West, a family saga, published by
American Book Publishing. If you would like to know more about Linda and her
novel, her web site is http://www.lindaweaverclarke.com.
